Old Jocks‏

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him".

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and, in a very quiet voice, said,

"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.”

Three Nuns

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines." 

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked. 

"Well, of course I threw them in the trash." 

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" 

"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. 

"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.

The third nun fainted.

What to Pack?

 A woman gets home, schreeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the darn lottery!" 

The husband says, "Oh my God! really?! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" 

The wife yells back, "I couldn't care less... just get the hell out!”

The Jewish Samurai...

Once upon a time, a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai.  After a year, only three applied for the job:  a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai. 

 "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

samuraiThe Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what you do."

The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly.He drew his samurai sword and *Swish! *Swish!* The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.

"That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?"

The Jewish samurai, Yoku Cohen, stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoosh!* flourished his sword mightily, but the fly was still buzzing around!

In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."

“Dead," replied Cohen in contempt. "Dead is easy.  Now circumcision, that takes real skill.”

Hello, Officer

 A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman. 

"Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered. 

"Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk." 

Then the guy in the backseat said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."

At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

 

Time to Live

 A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results. 

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. 

"You're dying, and you don't have much time left." 

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" 

"Ten," the doctor says sadly. 

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" 

"Nine!"